i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
