quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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