My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
