Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
