Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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