You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
