Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
