Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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