you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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