You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
