I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
