it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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