My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
