I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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