just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize