Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
