I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize