Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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