I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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