we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Randomize
