He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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