I think scott just propositioned me for sex
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
