I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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