I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I just found a bag of teeth...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
