My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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