My first STD was from a foam party
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
