Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
