You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
