I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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