i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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