I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
