I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
