3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
We got so high we made milksteak
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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