McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
