Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
