Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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