After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
