I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
