I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
