Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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