she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
