he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize