she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
