First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
