it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
