My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
