I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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