so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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