I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
