Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I wish there were birth control emojis
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
