Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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