im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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