I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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