Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
