I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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