Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
That was before I lit my hair on fire
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
