If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
