Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
