I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
