I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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