just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
