What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
my liver is dry heaving
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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