So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
