WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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