No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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