life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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