Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Found your dick twin last night
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
