I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
