You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
