Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
time to smoke my breakfast
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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