you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
