I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
