I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
