Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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